An Electric Biscuit Special Investigation : B.B.'s Game Lair

From the outside, B.B.'s Game Lair seems like an inconsequential video game establishment, much like the Steven Spielburg created GameWorks franchise, but inside, it holds a dark secret. When you step inside, you're greeted to the sounds of happy kids playing games, maybe some playing Sony's new Playstation 2 video game console, Pool, or even Fuzz Ball. The ceiling might be falling apart and the floor might be, well, there isn't a floor, but over all the place does not seem alarming in any manner.

When you step inside, the heat hits you immediately. You think to yourself, "Why is there no air conditioning?" and continue on, thinking nothing of it. It is all part of their plan. You recall your childhood days of playing pool in the Plush Cue down the street from your house after school upon seeing the pool table, and you smile fondly, wanting to get in a few games yourself. Then you start to hear the gun fire and frantic screaming of children all around you, and you panic, you drop to the floor and roll under the pool table, only to look up and see your own son brutally murdering government operatives in a video game.

The video game is Counter-Strike, a player created mod for the highly popular First Person Shooter game, "Half-Life." The basis of the game is to strategically kill your opponent with highly realistic models of several firearms and other weapons. The children learn the basics of war through this game, and it's frightening indeed. With images of Columbine still running through our heads, watching our children learn to murder each other effectively is a daunting image, at least. What we don't know is that it's all part of the plan of one frightening individual.

This man, who the kids know by the name of John, is slowly conditioning these children, our children, into cold blooded killers. His real name is Ishmael Oreanatang, and he is part of a secret terrorist operative fronted by Suddam Hussien. He hopes to take these children, once they are deeply brainwashed by the video games, and make a run on the government. One by one he will send these children out as terrorist spies, trying to murder the President of the United States of America.

Jason, thirteen years old, or so we think. He is John's brother, supposedly. He is, but not quite the way they want us to think. Jason's real name is Achmed Oreanatang, and he is thirty-five years old, making him twelve years Ishmael's senior. Because of his younger look, he develops an emotional attachment with the children so they will never want to leave the Game Lair. Achmed is also a specially trained government killer, to who Counter-Strike comes naturally.

These are two of the grunts that Ishmael and Achmed have already succeeded in brainwashing. They now work for the operation by keeping the children in order and repairing damaged computers. Their level of mindlessness is frightening at times, and being around them is like speaking to mindless zombies of a sour generation gone worse. Clearly products of today's society, also, all they speak of is cigarettes, fire, and "scoring with mad chicks, snootch to the nootch, yeeeah!"

It's hard to imagine that this child, Bruce, twelve years old, might some day be the worlds deadliest terrorist spy, but it's possible. According to Ishmael's plan, this child will soon be making a run on President Bush, only to be hopelessly murdered by secret service men in a desperate attempt to get a message out. What message? No one knows, only Ishmael does, and he isn't telling a single soul. The only way we can possibly find out, is to try to shut him down, now, and prevent him from brainwashing more children. Protect your children, do not allow them to kill!

Copyright © 2001 Brad Root Disclaimer: This was a parody written before the WTC attacks. Please take it as such, and don't bitch and whine like a stupid cry baby about being offended. You're the exact kind of person this was written because of. Open your eyes to your stupidity.