afext's Category: Personal

Watersports != Good
<{ [8/1/2000 2:13:07 PM [ Ana Cohen] Afext: The moment you pee on me (from too much excitement or whatever, god knows it happens) I'm gone, though Does this mean no watersports? Okay people... now you know that peeing on Stuy is NOT a turn-on... everyone write this in your books... }> Err. Uh. Yeah.

Don't be stupid
Reminder: If you stop loving Paula out of fear that she'll stop loving you first, you will officially be a huge idiota, and this note is here to remind you of that and I will not let myself forget my stupidity. Don't crawl back to her with a worthless apology, the same "I'm Sorry" you use on everyone else because it's pathetic and I don't want my morale to decrease ten fold moreso. Pig bastard.

Take notes.

she said 'its a Gift...' and a shiver ran up my spine. the word unnerved me and i dont know why. it's declaring i am differnet. i would have revelled in it normally but i am so uncomfortable with the way she capitlized it, "Gift" that it chills me to even type it... like some association in my mind with the word that i can't grasp tells me that this is... Wrong. something is wrong. something deep. i do not have a Gift. deny it. deny it. stomach turns sour at the sight of the word. stomach turns when i type it. musnt type it. scares me. doesnt scare me. musnt admit weakness to word. no. yes. it scares me. thats what it does. it scares the fucking shit out of me and i dont know what to do with it. like there is some force that i lack control over now. its ticking.tickticktick. i am going crazy. but im not. perfectly sane, yes. i am. shit. i am so in love with paula. i didnt mean to. i've had control over my emotions so well. over a year now. my diary proves that. ive been dumped on a few times. girls. things. hope... you know. i've never... let myself accidently fall in love like this sense... well... well overa year ago. i was fucked over. hardcore. i dont get attached now. i dont let myself get fucked over. i am setting myself up to get fucked over. i know it. i have fallen deeply in love with paula. i long for her, i wish she was by myside 24/7. i want her here ,now. i want her to be with me forever and always and i want her... i cant be without her... this urge, to be with her. to know shes here. to know shes here for me. me me me. i cant... escape it. this isnt the feeling of 'yay.' this is the feeling of longing that i only get when i know i am truely truely truely... when i know i have it bad. i dont want to be fucked over again. i dont..want.. to..be..fucked..over...again. please. dont let me get fucked over again... brad.. come on... renquish control over your emotions... stop this nonsense. stop this now.stopstopstop.its not healthy. please. you know you are going to get fucked, you know it, why dont you stop it? i can't. i cant. i want to get fucked. i want to know i am alive. i want to feel. i want to know that i bleed still. i am heartless. i am a bastard. i am a cheap heartless sex driven pig of a guy now. i am what i hated and what i continue to hate but i cant admit fully that i hate myself now for what i have become. corrupted. dirty. my innocence as been marred. only temporarily. i know once i get dumped by everyone i will go back to poor shy brad who will cower in fear of even the less slightly beautiful girl who passed me by. i wont be gloat gloat gloat fat head ego jerk. i will be,... brad again. i will long. i will long for love... love that i have found but the sadistic/masochist side of me is trying to destory. i am trying to destroy my own happiness. i am... i've figured myself out. god fucking bless. i'm not going to change though, but it's good to know that i can still somewhat figure out whats in my head. whatever thefuck is wrong with the word "Gift" is beyond me. just before i type it, thinking of typing it makes the skin on my shoulders feel prickly... something is wrong with that word. think its my desire to be normal. accepted. non-freak. i dont want to declare my weirdness but i am. sigh. sig sgh sigh sigh. time for bed. my eyes hurt. need glasses from bathroom. later

Take notes two. (naked time!)

i am feeling oddly comfortable with my body. like. i am sitting here, typing this, while i am naked. completely fucking naked. except for a watch and some glasses. i am feeling so comfortable with my body. it's strange. i cant imagine being naked around anyone. hundred and twenty degree weather, what do i wear in public? some baggy jeans, a baggy white-t shirt, and then a slightly oversized green jacket that i have been wearing forever. this is my outfit. this is what i wear. this is what i sweat in. this is what i walk down sweltering Pasadena streets in. these clothes are my life. night time comes and I am alone. i normally strip down to only my boxers, but tonight. i am fully naked. usually this has to do with my obsession with masturbation. but, whatever. but tonight... no... i am naked. i may be naked, but i am not stroking it. i am naked. listening to Beck's Mutations and am very cool with myself. i hairspray my hair stiff naked. i wash my face naked. i put zit crap on my face naked. i am very naked. i look at myself in the mirror and i appear rather naked. i dont mind. i wouldnt want anyone else to see me naked. i look like marilyn manson naked, except skinnier. and maybe a little less pale. barely. but, i am naked. and i am ok with this (thanks ben) i am ok with my nakedness. i'm not too hiddeous naked. i am by far not attractive to a point of being desirable naked, but i am naked. and i am ok with this. occasionally i strike a pose and look bad. occasionally i strike a pose and look damn deelish. dunno what it is. hmm. naked naked naked. cool word. oh, sorry, anyway. i am naked. and i am ok with this. just dont get naked around anyone else. nakedness around others = bad. not ok. not ok. thank you. naked + other != good. no. bad. yes. no. yes. bad. naked. bad. stay clothed. yes. good. reminds me of dana carvey talking about his little kids who'd strip out of their clothes and run aroundyelling 'naked time!' god that was so funny, dana carvey is classic. naked time! naked time! night time is my naked time! lets all get naked. no. let me get naked. you stay the fuck away from me. thanks.

Jumbled thoughts

"Tell me that it's nobody's fault... Nobody's fault but my own..." what is with unskinny girls who peirce their bellybuttons? sorry, you need a cute stomach to have a cute peircing there. there was a girl i knew in real life. blonde chick. chelsea... she was a self-proclaimed slut even though the most she's done is give a handjob, she was a sad girl, not sad. she was happy, but she was sad in the way that she wanted everyone to think of her as some whore, and then looked hurt when she was judged based upon the opinion she brought unto herself. sad girl. paula has her belly button peirced. but she has a nice stomach, a nice peircing. i like it, i'd like to play with it but that'll come later. anyway. chelsea had her belly button peirced. she wasnt fat. but she wasnt thin. she has a tubby tummy, so she has a big belly button that didnt look good peirced. she'd play with it but it looked more sad and pathetic than sexy. never told her to her face but thats how life works, you know? sigh. i like...stuff. stuff is good. stuff feels good. stuff makes me feel good to do to someone else. stuff feels good. stuff is good. i like...stuff. sigh. "Oh, I grow weary of the end..."

soscared

aug6/7=2k i am so scared.soscared...i havent been so scared in a while.. i said 'i havent believed in ghosts ever, but now i do'... she gasped, frightened sounding said 'it's george' 'who?' 'theghosthehitsthings you hear that?' i did. i thogught i was her.itwasnt.itwas george. geroge.geroge george george. the phone bleeped. the bleep sound when she siwtches lines... the bleep sound when the phone gets pushed..the..i fear...i fear..fear.makes sense.nof.ear. no.. i dont want to think i am tired of thnking thinking is wrong do not pay attention to outside appearances people arnet real.thishas never hit harder than hit has today.today.today. i never thought..thought... paul? paul? handjob? bathroom? trying to get MEYEFUCKINGGIRLFIREEND to help Alexis jerk him of!? WHAT THE FUCKING HELL... THINK THINK THINK THINK THINK NO! FUCK THIS no! NO! this is not happening! NOT PAUL! HAPPY FUNNY GOOFY UNATTRACTIVE PAUL!? NO! PEOPLE ARE NOT LIKE THIS! PEOPLE ARE WHAT THEY APPEAR TO BE STOP CHANGING STOP STOP BEING DIFFERENT PLEASE JUST BE WHO YOU THINK I AM I AM SO SICK OF SHIT STOP STOP FUCK. sigh. cant stop the anixty. i feel dirty. i feel sleep i feel lay in bed i feel dont move i feel depression sit in in bed lay under covers sweat sweat sweat til i am so dirty it feels like i am washing all the filth out of the world when i finally strip down adn shower. sweat.sweat.please.let me sleep.let me lay let me not move for three days let me wither awya let me not eat let me dehydrate let me feel lower than i haverr felt. please.i wan--need i need it..need..need..please..stop... i just want it to stop...i want to stop being...i want to stop realizing that everything is different than it should be i want outside appearences to be inside appearences.. I AM WHO I AM APEPAR TO BE!! WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE!? ...... why must i be the only innocent person in the world. why must i be the only jaded innocent why must i be the only guy who doesnt find it appropriate to try to coherse two girls, one who loves me and one who doesnt into jerking me off in a restroom at three aim with cockroaches.ohy.dthe cockroaches.fswarming everywhere. please no. why am i the only one not me i shouldnt be i should be everyone i am fine i am fine i am fine fine fine fine fine fine. please let me be normal let me be accepted as typical i dont want to know that lurking behind every jolly comedian there is a coke fiend before the door inside his head. i dont want to think that perhaps the person i think i know the person who signed my year book and told me "you Can Do anything if you put your mind to it, godspeed" is not really like that at all i dont want this. i dont want this this...this infernal machine this world this place these people. i want to take paula and run away, so far away, all this filth all this horrible filth i want away filth filth no more fucking filth i hate this fucking place i hate it i hate it more now i feel violated i feel my knowledge has been marred my reality shatttered the legs of my table are splintered and cracked please just fix them fuck the termites fuck them fuck them. fucking termites fuck you yes fuck fuck fuck you get the fuck out of my fucking support beams ok? yes fuck you! FUCK you. scared.paula...areyou ok? are you..ok? are you..going to be alright. yes. love you, love you too, bye, bye, click click no no no rewind, what the fuck? what the fuck? no no, what the fuck was that? no, i am not okay with some ghost fucking hitting things i am not playing cool i am unwinded and i am paranoid and am i scared lights flickering loud noises scared scared so bright outside its daytime no no no its night i have sensitive eyes i can see in the dark NO IT IS BRIGHT OUTSIDE WHAT IS THAT FUCKING NOISE WHY WHY WHY STOP THE FUCKING NOISE MAN ... fuck..fuck..what thehell..paula..are you ok? please...tell em you're ok..dont...dont be not ok..be well,be welll..dont let let...let...no... ghosts arent real... your ghosts are real but the thing fucking hitting the wall DOESNT EXIST IT DOESNT EXIST ITS NOT HAPPENING YOU DID NOT JUST FUCKING CLICK OVER ON ME NO! PLEASE PAULA! ANSWER ME NO! COME ON! I KNOW THTAWASNT HANGING UP! PAULA! COME ON! NO! STOP THIS! PLEASE BE OK! BE OK BEOKE! dont hang up.please.i dont want you to go.please.please.please i am so scared for you please hold on i dont want tolose you i almost lost you ive lost you before i dont want to again please paula be well be well be well dont leave me i need you i need you.need...need...please...i dont want to need you but i do i need you i need..need..need..please... dont..please.. i... god..i love you so much dont be taken from me dont end this dont end this world please... so paranoid..paranoid.noises out side my door footsteps no one is there i know look over shoulder door is closed locked no worries please i know n one is there DONT OPEN THE FUCKINBG DOOR god i did i did i took a piss nothing out there looked out my window the world was so bright it was like day time it's 1:37am and it is so bright outside it shouldnt be so bright cant see the moon is it full? i dont know is it, is it? so strange so strange things are happening its 1:38 i cant imagine this reality shattering splitering please no its not bright out side its not its black night is black night is not bright bright is day it is black black black. i can see stars yes yes stars. no i cant stop lying stop lying why is it so bright what is that noise a distant humbling something is coming something big day of reckoning? dont be so poetic that is stupid day of reckoning hell fire judge me no bullshit the noise is..the noise is.. nonexistant i am delusional i am hearing things because i am going crayz caracy. no., fuck.... why is it so bright, so bright, i can see everything clearly. flash of white flash flash, lamp up the street yes, no, flash. not light. world is bright at all angles there is light where there IS NO LIGHT it doesnt make sense where is it coming from no sense no sense no sense. please stop its dark its 1:40am it's meant to be dark not bright blue light no light please. be ok..please be ok..i want you to be ok..be ok..please..please...dont..please..be.ok...please...please...be..ok...stay here...stay with me..dont leave please..dont..leave... dont go dont go go go go go dont no no be ok be ok paula please paula please.. the stars dont lie, please the stars dont lie the stars tell the truth calculation is perfect science might not be exact but the stars do not lie. meant to be.yes. explosive but together.

Clipped from Yves Grant

He has two left feet. At the time, she thought it was cute, watching him stumble around as he tried to learn the steps. Now, after the breakup, , she saw it as another example of his failures." I keep reading this over and over and I can't stop, I've read it before and I can't place where, I've read it somewhere and it holds a remendous impact on me and I can't fucking place it, it is so right in my mind and I can't figure out where I've read it... It's stunning, and I can't place it, where the fuck is it from!? WHERE!? UAGH! This is tormenting me so bad I wont ever get over it... Where have I read that? Where?

afext's Category: Remember

Singer suggestion.
LindTurtle: have you ever heard of glenn yarborough? Afext: *thinks* I don't..think so LindTurtle: you should. he sings rod mckuen poetry. its very nice. Afext: hmm ok LindTurtle: i think youd like him, because you like cat stevens

Bradpitt
Remember to read Bradpitt diary. it's been a week since I wrote that. seems like i havent read it yet. I must be really behind. fuck me.

Paula and I
Hooked up July 30. Don't forget it you dumb shit. Oh yeah, she was born November 19th. Remember that too. Duh. God, I am stupid.

Ben Brown keeps reading my mind.

And I am ok with this. "I think, that was easy. The next day, I tell my friends that they have to do this. They have homework. They have to go walk up to someone who they are afraid to talk to, and they have to tell them, "Hello, I find you attractive." They have to learn, like I'm learning, that it's ok to talk to strangers, that it's ok to be attracted to someone, and most importantly, that it's ok to just tell som eone. You are attractive. I find you attractive. That's all."

I am...
Callousness is a very dangerous thing. Never stop caring. Feeling no guilt is not a good thing when it comes to something that you know it'd crush you if it was the other way around. Think about how it feels if you're on the receiving end, yeah, that's the ticket.

Book suggestion
Ishmael by Daniel Quinn

afext's Category: Snippets

Clipped from Ben Brown...
Mom and Dad fucked in the park on acid and out came me. So sex, that's vaguely wrong to me. And love, it's vaguely uncomfortable (cause love is what our parents had and our parents don't talk to each other anymore.)

afext's Category: To Do

A poem.

Dead Language Lesson - Who wrote this? They lift their half-closed eyes out of the grammar. What is the subject of love? you, Singular. The subject? I. Aeneas has nothing to say for himself. Even the boys confess that he Didn't intend to come back, the girls Already know the tale by heart. They wheedle me for tangents, for Anything not in a book, Even though it's all from books: The many-wiled Penelope, Orpheus struck dumb with hindsight. I confiscate a note in which The author writes, "Who do you love?," An agony past all correction I think, as they wait for the bell, Blessed are the young for whom All languages are dead: the girl Who twines her golden hair, like Circe, Turning glib boys into swine.