I own Marray.net (She told me to!)

@ 6:40:41 PM By Brad R

Friday, December 29, 2000

You have no right to tell me what not to do, so don't, because you're just wasting your ever shortening breath.

@ 2:16:57 PM By Brad R

"Gimme good times, give me sali-va, give me fever, I'm a believer, give me insane, gimme space brain, don't leave me ever, we'll live forever, yes we will, I know we will. Stick it in my veins! Stick it my veins! Stick it in my veins!"

@ 2:29:17 PM By Brad R

This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.

@ 10:19:57 PM By Brad R

We're through with the past, but it's not through with us.

@ 10:29:20 PM By Brad R

If you do that fucking again I will scream.

@ 11:50:58 PM By Brad R

Wednesday, December 27, 2000

Yeah, so? What's your problem? Where do I come into the equation? Where does my part get played? What's my motivation? Do I have motivation? Or am I just floating along like some kind of innocent? My part has already been played by countless others, now I'm just unneeded excess, fleshing out an otherwise short movie. I'm your bit part, your needed addition to make your film a typical commercial box office smash. Fuck you, I'm not going to play that role. I'd rather just disappear completely.

@ 11:39:09 AM By Brad R

Tuesday, December 26, 2000

Ahahahahahahahahahaha.

@ 6:11:49 PM By Brad R

Monday, December 25, 2000

Nyx? Juli?

@ 12:02:43 AM By Brad R

Sara was supposed to call, she hasn't. Oh well, futures are swept aside like discarded notebooks, the words contained obsolete and meaningless. I wish I knew why Nyx was upset. I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could apologize for whatever I did. Fuck, I just wish I knew what I did at all.

@ 4:56:29 PM By Brad R

I didn't attack nonconformist for Marray's benefit, I don't attack people because I feel like sticking to someone. I attacked nonconformist because there was a point to be made, it's not like I write drivel for no reason. So, no worries, and no, I don't have a sick crush on Marray. I will admit I had one a week ago, but that's over and done with. Now, I have greater things to worry about, like my fucking girlfriend and what's up with her.

@ 8:07:25 PM By Brad R

Sunday, December 24, 2000

I got House of Leaves, a Vitamin C doll, and the Tool DVD Boxset from Kim. Thanks Kim. I'll probably take a picture of the VC doll later. I'm getting really sick of webpages. Really, really sick. When you ignore the world, your motivational force, inspiration ignores you, too.

@ 10:22:21 AM By Brad R

My mother is fucking pathetic. She should just kill herself.

@ 10:23:27 AM By Brad R

If you have to say you are a nonconformist, you clearly are not. This rule applies to most things in certain situations. (If you say you are a fan before anyone asks you, if you say you are an artist before anyone has seen your work, if you say you write beautiful poetry before anyone tells you so). I'm not talking out of my ass, entirely. I know these things and I'm guilty of quite a few of them, and I can say I'm guilty of them because I was told so, and saw the reason, not simply because I say I am.

Your mind is represented in the way you dress, and speak. Thats why depressed people (individuals?) transcend into some level of stereotypical 'gothdom' because their mind manifests themselves in such ways. (Wannabe goths look like wannabes because they're fakes and don't understand the motivation behind such clothing, thus making them look like clumbsy assholes). So, if you dress like everyone else, and claim you think differently than you dress, you are lying. Two wrongs do not make a right, Mandy.

The simple fact is that nonconformity cannot exist because everyone who thinks they are nonconformist thinks it, and they are always wrong. Nonconformity is not a word, a definition, a way of living, or a way of thinking. Nonconformity only exists in those of us who are truly nonconformists and we'll never know who those people are because of one simple reason:

They aren't fucking rejects, like you.

Which means, simply, that they don't go around parading their nonconformity, because they do not know they are nonconformists. Not that they care, either. People like Andy Warhol and, well, fuck all, didn't give a shit that they were doing breakthrough nonconformist things. Andy didn't give a shit that he was speaking words and making films that would go down in history. He just didn't care, he was doing what he wanted to do, and he didn't really mind what sort of category he was thrown into. He wouldn't have cared if he was making the same typical bullshit that everyone makes these days. Andy was a nonconformist in the sense that he didn't care if he was nonconformist or not.

If you believe in categories such as conformist and nonconformist, then you are a conformist just like everyone else, and you have no right to call yourself a nonconformist. Mind you, I'm not saying I'm a nonconformist, christ, I believe in the existance of conformists and nonconformists, that right there debunks any chance of me being a nonconformist right now. The idea that a teenager can be a nonconformist is just absurd because the nature of children is to follow their peers (whoever they might be, parents, friends, dead relatives, celebrities, dead celebrities, gods) and conform into whatever image is presented to them. To say you're nonconformist because you don't follow your peers is absurd because you are clearly following your peers, you just don't understand who they are. (Which is entirely unusual).

Oh, well, I'm finished.

@ 10:33:28 AM By Brad R

If "Jerry Maguire" doesn't end soon, I will snap.
What a terrible movie.

@ 2:59:28 PM By Brad R

Hey, look at me, I'm a loser.

@ 6:13:24 PM By Brad R

This pit of loneliness in me cannot be filled. Excuse me for sounding cliche but, fuck, what a super happy christmas this is going to be. With my luck, Sara will call and tell me that she's never going to talk to me ever again, and then I'll come online to an email saying that Nyx has died or something equally as evil. Then, Mary will suddenly go completely pyschotic ("What's new?" you ask, jokingly). After that, some present of great importance will not work, I'll hear that someone else semi-important to me died last night, and to top it all off, I will end my night by hanging in the garage like my dear friend (hah) Barton.

I suppose we'll see. Oddly enough, right now, hanging seems like the most comfortable death, next to setting myself on fire. Who knows, I suppose we'll see.

@ 9:48:06 PM By Brad R

The reason a noose has that huge binding coil knot is not because of strength reasons or anything like that. A proper rope for a hanging is made relatively simply if they weren't so anal about one simple detail. (Which is why you can hang yourself with a tie, etc, knots are simple). The huge coil of rope is so when the hangee(?) is dropped from the platform, the knot behind his head will whip up, smash the guy in the back of the head, and knock him out, so there is little to no chance of him struggling out of the hanging. People die easier when they're unconscious.

@ 9:56:46 PM By Brad R

I'm feelin' better. Hiya, Mark.

@ 10:53:43 PM By Brad R