Fictionalized Relationship No. 1: I met Sandra through a job. I had taken up some odd ball job for low pay for fun. I was bored, what can I say? I was filing papers and other things, she was on the opposite side of the hall. I smiled at her, she smiled at me. She had a reputation as being a little odd, but I ignored it. Coffee with co-workers usually including discussing her, their voices full of apathy, and mine defensive.

Eventually we spoke longer than five minutes, and went out for lunch one day. Any time you go and eat pizza with a prospective womanfriend, you should acknowledge the fact that you are cursing yourself. I fell in love with her goofiness. She was off the wall and awkward, but it was cute. She looked at me with eyes so full of love I almost wanted to scream at times, just to make her eyes show something else.

I met her family after a month. I had starting seeing her with her friends around a week or two before and it was disturbing. Her friends were definately not friends. I couldn't stand them, and I made the fact well known. Her parents were not much better. Her dad unnerved me with his jilted demeanor that some how managed to press me up against a wall any time he was near. Her mother was, well, I really can't remember anything but the sight of her mother.

After a while the differences began to outweigh the simularities. They always had, I just ignored them before. I tried to tell myself that she was great and everything was going to be fine if I just ignored the bad things. She wouldn't let me though. I tried to tell her that I really couldn't stand her friends, but she still brought them around me even when she could have taken them elsewhere.

I was a coward, I admit. I wrote her a short letter. Something to the effect of, "I really cannot see myself being able to be around you and your friends and family any longer. It drives me insane until I am about to gouge my eyes out, sorry." It was supremely wrong of me and I vow to never do that ever again. Being insensitive and horrid is nothing that will give you brownie points in heaven.

We were still working at the same place at the time. She didn't show up the day after I left the letter under her door. I called her, and I got a busy signal. I paged her and never recieved a reply. She never checked her email. The next day, the same thing. For a week, no one knew what had happened to her. I worried, but brushed it off.

Then, a day to two weeks, she appeared. She looked the same, acted the same, and when I had to brush past her, she smelled the same. I asked her where she went, and she didn't answer. No one could get anything out of her, and the fact that nothing had changed was beyond me, and everyone else. She didn't treat me any differently, which I also found odd.

I see her around every now and then, and we say hello. She smiles at me, and her eyes flash briefly with that love they previously contained, but when I blink, it disappears. She turns, and walks away. I'm left standing there, all alone, left to think about the mistakes I made years ago, and why I shouldn't sweat such petty things.

@ 2:48:00 AM By Brad R

Now I know why I haven't been remembering my dreams. They've been as disturbing as, well, as disturbing as fuck. I'm thankful what little I can remember is disappearing, but talk about odd. I can't get the image out of my head...

@ 11:04:17 AM By Brad R

I never asked Nyx what she thought they put in place of a soul in me. I was going to but it slipped my mind when more important things took over, but still I wonder. What other choices do we have? Hm.

@ 11:08:44 AM By Brad R

Hmm. Humorous, and pleasantly cynical.

@ 11:11:48 AM By Brad R

I really haven't anything to do with my life today. Woke up, and now I'm sitting here just not knowing. No where to go, just this grumbling in the pit of my stomach that makes me knit my eyebrows and stare at something with eyes full of hidden fears. Awkward, but it works for me, right now.

@ 11:36:53 AM By Brad R

"Passion chokes the flower until she cries no more possessing all the beauty hungry still for more heaven holds a sense of wonder and I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up when the rage in me subsides
In this white wave I am sinking in this silence." - Delerium, Silence.

@ 3:18:23 PM By Brad R

Friday, December 08, 2000

When someone dies, there's a difference between saying someone was wonderful, and finally realizing that they actually were wonderful and you just didn't acknowledge their beauty while they were with you.

@ 12:49:11 AM By Brad R

"and i'm falling faster than a waterfall opened up and after all can't you see im drowning right here in the open air wishing i could still go clear don't you know by now this is what we are" - Forestfire, David Usher

When they say someone died on impact, it probably means they had laid there in agony as the last few drops of life drained out of them. I'm hoping I'm wrong but I'm probably right.

@ 12:52:29 AM By Brad R

"i'm the trickster burned so badly i still hate you motherfuckers everyone wore my sickness so politely i can't be your everything to everyone void of meaning swelled just slightly i still need you i still need you gone forever so concisely i still need you still need you saved by the light let me go on let me go bright to be saved by the light let me go on let me go bright

and if you hate the world let say i've been there and if you hate yourself well don't go changing all the times i used your body done my way can't say i'm sorry ripped the gloss of all your memories consequences so demanding bruised and beaten conscience bleeding sexually saved by the light let me go on let me go bright to be saved by the light let me go on let me go bright"

- David Usher, Trickster.

@ 2:13:45 AM By Brad R

A Note to Nyx: Remind me to tell you about the tree. I've forgotten twice now. It's the joy I feel from your brilliance that does it, I swear. No, really.

@ 2:59:16 AM By Brad R

When I was a child, I used to love to pick up rocks and things. I'd walk down the railroad tracks and pick up rocks that would catch my eye. I used to dig in the dirt in front of my house, finding bugs, (and usually killing them if they were mean looking, but loving rolly-pollies in all their rolly-polliness) and creating waterways that I would fill with the hose.

I'd pick flowers and put them in my dictionary to dry. The majority of them have disappeared from it. I'd take golden crisp leaves and wonder at their colors, and then frown as the crumpled under my finger. I'd sift dirt and sand between my fingers. I used to swim often over summer, often four times a week I'd go to the college pool and swim for hours upon hours, feeling the sun slide itself over my back. Days I didn't go to the pool, I'd play outside until I'd tire myself until all I could do was lie on the grass, staring at the leaves, exhausted.

A huge black obsidian stone sits out back, still. I found it one day buried by foliage and beer cans by the corner in a wall one day. My friend and I debated over who would get to keep it. I pointed out that I had about fifty thorns stuck in my leg, because I wasn't wearing pants, and he let me keep it. (The foliage happened to be dried sticker bushes or something). After about fifty failed attempts to ride it home in a grocery bag, I just held it in my lap, with much difficulty, and rode it home. The pain from it digging into my leg was worth it.

Smoothed stones started appearing in the dirt outside my house, and I loved them. Probably placed there as decoration by my neighbour, I cherised them none the less. They've mostly all disappeared. I piled a ton of them once by the side of my house, and one of my sisters (or a friend?) kicked them all over the place to displease me one day. It worked. I almost cried. That's my last memory of ever collecting rocks, leaves, sticks, swimming or laying outside on the grass, closed eyes staring at the sun for hours.

Ceased much too early. I'm trying to regain it all.

@ 4:45:45 AM By Brad R

"and if you hate the world let say i've been there and if you hate yourself well don't go changing all the times i used your body done my way can't say i'm sorry ripped the gloss of all your memories consequences so demanding bruised and beaten conscience bleeding sexually" - David Usher, Trickster. (Again).

@ 5:33:25 AM By Brad R

The links page is up. Featuring four links. No hard feelings.

@ 8:40:01 AM By Brad R

It's not legal for Kian to get married, yet.
And I'll have to disagree. I know style. I just don't ooze it. But I appreciate it. ;)

@ 8:41:09 AM By Brad R

Just watched Primal Fear. Amazing movie. Edward Norton is just incredible. Inspiration for me if I ever want to get into serious acting. I love it. It's just lovely, lovely.

@ 7:36:21 PM By Brad R

"I was trying to catch your eyes thought that you was trying to hide I was swallowing my pain I was swallowing my pain I didn't mean to hurt you I'm sorry that I made you cry oh no, I didn't want to hurt you I'm just a jealous guy." - John Lennon

@ 7:59:39 PM By Brad R

Thursday, December 07, 2000

Good morning, sunshine. Time to make the daily rounds like I didn't get to make yesterday night. Oh, well, time to enjoy the wonders of Draconic, and maybe even, uh, wait, that's the only blog I read, shit. Ok, then, my day will be short then!

@ 3:56:26 PM By Brad R

A Questions for Me: "So, what are you doing tomorrow?" A Answer from Me: "Oh, ah, well tomorrow is friday, and I don't really do anything on fridays. Well, uh, I don't do anything on mondays, tuesdays, wensdays, thursdays, and saturdays, sundays, either, so, uh..."

@ 5:30:32 PM By Brad R

High Fidelity is splendid. Check it out.

@ 6:37:23 PM By Brad R

Yes, High Fidelity is wonderful. I just got back from the Urgent Care Center because my flu has turned into shortness of breath and dizzy spells...yay for me. I'm sure the anxiety about having a 2,000 word paper (which I've barely started) due tomorrow doesn't help much. You know what is the worst? The way my breathing makes my face all tingley...it feels kinda like my skin is peeling off.

@ 8:59:53 PM By Alli Coe

Those who are sick should work on their papers. Being ill of the body does not make you ill of the mind. Now if your fingers are paralyzed, I can understand. Don't make excuses for being lazy. ;)

@ 10:31:10 PM By Brad R

Say Hi to Mary. She needs hits.

@ 10:32:04 PM By Brad R

My.Mp3.com has relaunched. They've imposed some stupid ass limitations, but for those of us who don't have many mainstream albums, it's a wonderful thing. I'd rather listen to Eve 6 streaming than having seventy megabytes taken up on my drive, you know? It's a lot easier, good for those of us with lots of bandwidth, and an unhealthy fetish for mp3s of our owned CDs.

@ 10:46:53 PM By Brad R

Retract the early comments about mp3.com. They expect you to pay so you can listen to your own music. They let you listen to only half of the tracks of your own CD. What the fuck? I'm not going to pay $50 so I can listen to the music I already paid for. Stupid fucking record labels ruined a good service.

@ 11:01:25 PM By Brad R

I think I'm wrong again. Fuck, just forget I said anything at all about mp3.com

@ 11:03:09 PM By Brad R

Wednesday, December 06, 2000

"Death is, among other things, creepy. / Death is particularly creepy when it happens to a young person. / Death is particularly creepy when it cuts someone off mid-sentence."

- dlevy, the one and only.

@ 1:28:51 AM By Brad R

I fell asleep at two thirty. Early for me, but it has been a while since I've slept more than four hours, so I was hoping for a good 8 hours of sleep. I woke up at five forty, dreaming of Nyx. Can't remember what the dream was, but lying in bed for twenty minutes I couldn't get her out of my mind. I couldn't fall back asleep either. Then, I smelled her... under my nose I could smell her, and it was unsettling.

It has literally been months upon months upon months since I have ever waken in the "middle of the night," and even then I can usually fall back asleep. This time I can't, and it worries me. Was it what I was dreaming of, or something entirely more eerie? Why am I scared? Why?

@ 5:18:58 AM By Brad R

My jeans were: INSPECTED BY NO.2

@ 7:09:06 AM By Brad R

Starving, but without hunger. Fatigued, without exhaustion.

@ 9:38:17 AM By Brad R

"Well I've got a mind full of wicked designs / I've got a non-stop-whole in my head-imagination / I'm in a building that has two thousand floors / and when they all fall down / I think you know it's you they're falling for / I can't forget I am a sole architect / I built the shadows here / I built the growl in the voice I fear." - Poe, Hey Pretty.

@ 12:53:17 PM By Brad R

"Love is only wonderful when it's returned."

@ 4:21:32 PM By Alfred Turner

I hate being sick, does someone want to be sick for me so I can feel better and be happy? Dan was supposed to call me back after he ate but that was at least an hour ago..hm.

@ 8:52:42 PM By Alli Coe

Chris Explodey has left EB and has followed the Brad Bandwagon over to Digitalrice. Go visit him. He's a good kid. Just confused. Controled and sadisticly manipulated by his parents.

@ 11:20:35 PM By Brad R

Tuesday, December 05, 2000

With a few simple words, all I strived for today has been disipated. Perhaps it is a test. But perhaps I am not fucking ready for it yet. I'll try, I'll try.

@ 3:39:40 AM By Brad R

I am only comfortable in my own mind. And yours.

@ 5:23:38 AM By Brad R

i'm wrapped up in the warmth / of an unforgiving game / i'm on vacation in the land of shame . when the pigs are flying / and it's freezing cold in hell / maybe we'll forgive the children, baby / only time can tell... yeah yeah . if i listen closely / i can hear a dying dream / i'm on vacation in the land of shame

@ 12:05:54 PM By Brad R

When I spit red streaks in the water after I brush my teeth, I usually take it as a sign that something needs to be changed. (Probably my habits).

@ 12:47:08 PM By Brad R

Another Brad died today. I can't find the link to her website right now, but I suppose it's kind of redundant. She was coming out west and I suggested to her that she come to visit me. Apparently she was excited about meeting me, because they knew to talk to me.

Brad was sleeping in the passenger's seat and Carly was driving. Were trying to change lanes when a car, without it's lights on, going about a hundred plowed into Brad's side. Brad lost it. Carly is still hanging on, send what you will out to her, please.

"For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause." I'm OK, but I'm not sure about the rest of me. Just give mind to Carly, yeah. Sigh.

@ 3:15:39 PM By Brad R

Just when you're ready to step up, someone grabs you by the shirt and pulls you down. Today is not a good day for any of us.

@ 3:43:23 PM By Alfred Turner

Brad's site.

@ 9:07:31 PM By Brad R

She joked to me twice, that when we met I'd be afraid of her because she was taller than me. I'm six one so, being taller than me is quite the feat. It was kinda funny. I looked forward to meeting her, because she just some how knew me without even speaking to me. Read me like a book from across the room.

@ 9:19:03 PM By Brad R

Monday, December 04, 2000

I will write a book about my family one day, and that will be how things happened. No other way, but the way my mind pieces things together. Because, right now, the only person I can believe is me. Everyone else is so contrived and full of lies it's not even funny.

@ 12:02:35 AM By Brad R

Bright, bright colours. Swirling, mixing into eachother. Blue and yellow, green and red. Jitter, shudder, jagged they turn. Shadows surround them, turning them into faces and people I cannot feel. Snarling, lips curling, they disappear before my eyes and leave me vacant. Swimming in gray, I know I'm in perihelion, but I didn't even touch the corners. Why? Where to next? In a blink of an eye I will be elsewhere, and I am entirely unsure that I will want to be there.

@ 12:24:17 AM By Brad R

I find myself saying this more and more: "No one ever said I was a very nice person." I should use it as my greeting. No more, "Hello!" Just, "No one ever said I was a very nice person." Yeah.

@ 12:42:13 AM By Brad R

Current Moonphase. (Click and drag to your Links bar, or to your favorites to make it a bookmarklet. I was feeling fiesty.)

@ 1:32:44 AM By Brad R

Sometimes, late at night, I think I'd be better off dead. I can't make anyone happy, and when I try to make myself happy, I only make myself more miserable. If only I could be rid of this feeling. If only I could make everything all better, something I never seem to be able to do...

@ 1:51:21 AM By Brad R

Where the heck they got the Goddess part from, but the rest is right: Brad Goddess Really Fucking Sucks!

@ 1:58:34 AM By Brad R

Zakh just summed me up perfectly: "You fall for girls in a heartbeat, or a mess of complicated words." (Bastard).

@ 1:59:08 AM By Brad R

I followed my father out the door this morning, hat and flanel shirt buttoned. I decided today was going to be a new day. Monday, a new beginning, something I could turn around. I jogged half way around the block, started walking before I fell over. I couldn't feel my feet, and then I remembered why you should stretch before kicking your ass in such a manner. I got my way home, did some pushups on the front walk. Tried to do some curlups but gave up. Went inside, and managed to do a few.

Took a shower, ate some food and drank nearly an entire container of milk. Something I never do. Milk, not the shower, I do try to shower sometimes, you know? After feeling completely numb, I sat on the couch and read for an hour. Then, with Fuzz (Satan, the white cat) in tow, I fell asleep. For several long and blissful, yet dreamless, hours.

I woke up, cat still in arms, purring and rubbing himself on me relentlessly. "Go fish," I mumbled at him. He mewed at me, eyes questioning exactly what I meant. "Whatever." I pet his head and neck, he has unusually smooth hair, it's kind of frightening. It feels stunning when your hands are still feeling feelingless when you just wake up.

I think about what I thought about the night before, growing increasingly sure of my choice, but always questioning my actions. But doubt is good motivation for any kind of change, and I am in need of one. It's a monday, a new week, a time for change. I'm sure. Come on, let's go.

@ 2:36:11 PM By Brad R

I got an envelope from Sara today. It contained a single sheet of paper and this picture. The paper obviously wasn't the three page letter she claimed she wrote to me. Jotted in silver pin, she made me laugh, but altogether it was much too short. Oh, and she's a tease. But, that's all over and done now, I suppose.

This is going to have to be the first picture I will ever recieve from a girl that might possibly turn into a staple of my desk some day, but that depends on how the world turns. We'll see, we'll see. "A place so quiet, as if I were never born."

@ 2:45:37 PM By Brad R

Hmm. Will be back in a few hours, I suppose. Love.

@ 3:24:04 PM By Brad R

I have two papers left to do this semester, and I thought one was due this Friday and the other the next Friday. Turns out they are due this Friday and then Monday. Not like I wasn't going to wait till the last minute to do them anyway. My interest in school is declining rapidly. I attended school for 45 minutes instead of the 4 hours I was supposed to be there for.

@ 3:38:22 PM By Alli Coe

Suppose someone gave you a present of several thousand coins from countries all over the world. How would you arrange your collection to make a useful display, one in which you could find any coin quickly and one to which you could add any new coins easily?

@ 5:19:21 PM By Brad R

The clouds swim like pink behemoths across my vision. Lumbering through the gray waters like an ancient tradition long since absolved. Turning purple before my eyes, then losing all color. Succumbing to a death they were bound to by birth.

@ 5:25:10 PM By Brad R

Yay! My DSL is back. Controled life away from the computer may now stop. hMm.

@ 5:38:13 PM By Brad R

Warning: Too many connections in /home/exile/happiness/process.phtml on line 30
Warning: Supplied argument is not a valid MySQL-Link resource in /home/exile/love/process.phtml on line 31
Warning: Supplied argument is not a valid MySQL-Link resource in /home/exile/hate/process.phtml on line 37
Warning: Supplied argument is not a valid MySQL result resource in /home/exile/anger/process.phtml on line 38

@ 6:16:14 PM By Brad R

Sunday, December 03, 2000

Supposedly good new Chemfet entry. I need to make a menu item for Chemfet. It'll be like Eff Stuy Version 2.5. Yeah. Rock on, gates.

@ 12:29:55 AM By Brad R

Being in love is fun again. Or, just sickly pleasurable. Heck, maybe both! Who knows?

@ 2:37:26 AM By Brad R

I'm the Weeping Willow: "Beautiful but full of melancholy, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition, suffers in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner."

Oh, and who is Solomon, and why is he singing about us? That's weird, I say, weird! (Fucking Solomon, he always butts his nose into other honest, hardworking people's lives! I swear, one of these days... One of these days! [waves stick])

("Release me from this need I have of me.")

@ 3:27:24 AM By Brad R

In one all too brief second the fog that was beautiful, and the silence that was like music turned into something much more sinister. The fog hiding enemies just beyond my gasp, and the silence deafening me until I want to scream just to break the thin sheet of fear over my head, locking me in, making me drown.

@ 4:47:49 AM By Brad R

I had no idea May was so funny. She's a fuckin comedian, I swear! She should do standup, sitdown, and the like. Yeah! She should do that!

@ 5:03:07 AM By Brad R

May's last words to me: right. i will. sure. later. bye. snob. ee. brad. ahh. words. don't. fit. this. sentence. my. head. hurts. and. now. so. will. yours. bye. bye. snob.

@ 5:26:10 AM By Brad R

I have a joke I just discovered. It's a really funny experience. I said, "Hey, sorry, I was lying down." And she says, get this, "Go to sleep" Hahhahhhaaha, oh man, that is so funny... god, I swear, I kill me.

@ 6:35:44 AM By Brad R

New image. Inspired by Nyx as I woke up. Hmm.

@ 6:30:40 PM By Brad R

I'm getting tired of taking people at face value, and then having them turn around on me like I'm a retard. Before it was, oh Brad but I said... and now it's oh Brad I didn't mean... Fuck that, I'm so sick of that shit. Say what you fucking mean and don't screw with my head, ok? You've trained me a certain way, so treat me that way. Don't change your story in the middle of the book.

@ 6:33:44 PM By Brad R

We'll be alone together in a place that doesn't feel like home. (I feel like cleaning, or doing something productive. This block always comes into play though: There are several things I could, and should do, but I cannot decide on which to do so I am just going to sit here and do nothing, sigh).

@ 7:02:40 PM By Brad R

I learnt long ago to never rely on the unreliable.

@ 7:35:32 PM By Brad R

A terribly compressed JPG of my desktop. Wallpaper by Endeffect. (List of programs in my bar, because I'm bored: IE, Outlook, AIM, Unreal Tournament, Half-Life, Counter-strike, Photoshop, Imageready, Homesite, IfranView, SuperJPG, Color i5, Coolplayer, MusicMatch, Surround Mixer, Napster, Cuteftp, Alice, Winamp, Webcam32. Phew).

@ 7:46:59 PM By Brad R

What's mine? "Overly egotistical, but completely amazing guy"? Ha ha! Ha! Whoa. Ha ha ha.

@ 11:41:22 PM By Brad R