Today, rage made me physically ill. It scares me how far that this has gone.

MAde up a good song with the band today. Wow, it kicks ass.

Love is truly the most powerful emotion in the Human Psyche. The Second?

RAGE.

Ehhhhhhhhhhh. More problems. They are called "boyfriend of the girl you happen to be in love with". Fuck.

I am pissed off. I mean that, really. I've never been this angry before. This is my big shot, and now the choice is up to her. I hope she sides with me.....

Well, well well. Control has drained from me like the lifeblood of a mortally wounded soldier. Yet, my life has seemingly regained normality. I know that another shocking blow will be dealt soon enough, and that weakens me. It scares me to think of how my life seems to revolve around her, now. Soon enough, I'll just go for broke and blurt it out. Hell, I'll probably never see her again anyway. The one thing I felt I could depend on is now leaving. God damn it all.

It's been four long years since the beginning of this fateful journey of love. It all started when I swore I would never forgive her for turning my pal into a quivering pile of goo. He just stared at her all day, repeating her name, a manta in his sad existance. By the end of 8th grade, I had fallen. I managed to find her number in the phone book (yeah, that's pretty scary, huh?), and called her up, asking if she would perhaps maybe uh want to go to the movies with me. "Oh, sorry, I've already made plans" was the clever lie I got in return. Still, I felt justified. It was the answer I had expected.
9th grade rolled around, and the age of darkness came in. Betrayal by one I thought I could trust. I still don't have a picture of what really happened, but it disgusted me all the same. I couldn't bear the thought of living. I recessed into myself. No one ever seemed to notice. I became the pile of goo I had sworn I would not become. It was around this time when I fell in love with her.
Sophmore year will always be a good year in my mind. Once again, I managed to get the cojones to ask her to the movies. We-hell! To my complete, absolute and utter suprise, she said yes. We ate lunch, then watched Pearl Harbor. I'd like to tell you the story of how, when our protagonist is shot and killed, she put her head on my shoulder, arms around me, and cried. It was not so. She cried alone, as thoughts buzzed through my head. I never made a move. I've never felt such love as I did sitting next to her for a full three hours. It was the greatist day of my life.
Now. We come to the present. School is absolutely detestable this year. All is made well, however, by the fact she's in TWO of my classes. The blow is dealt early, all of a week ago: She's going to move. I felt the blood drain out of my face, the feeling go out of my hands, and the pieces of my heart shatter to half their tiny size. I have never felt so hollow; it is a tortured existance I now lead. The fact that she is now together with the biggest damned yuppie I know does not help easy my tortured psyche, either. There is nothing left to do. I have done all I can, and there is not a thing left I can do. Nothing. Destiny escapes my grasp. She escapes my grasp. There is nothing now, no solace, no comfort, nothing. I have driven myself to ruin, and there is no way back.

But she must know. She must feel. What being with a heart would not?