FentanylicOxide: first day of school, eh?
Afext: it sucked and i am not going back
FentanylicOxide: ?
FentanylicOxide: what happened?
Afext: i've never felt this shitty in, well, a long time
Afext: my emotional well being depends on the fact that i do not go back ever
FentanylicOxide: shit, man
FentanylicOxide: what happened?
Afext: thats the funny thing, its not like anything out of the blue happened... just going from a medium where i can be relaxed, well loved, and having a good time and piss on people... to a medium where i am uptight, hated, never having a good time, and getting pissed on by everyone is a little traumatic
Afext: suicidal feeling kinda traumatic
Afext: lets burn the skin off my arm kind of traumatic
FentanylicOxide: fuck
FentanylicOxide: well...what's school normally like for you?
Afext: the same thing, except it doesnt effect me so badly because i'm used to it
FentanylicOxide: well, yeah...that's what i meant, what is it like?
Afext: people pick on me, i dont like talking to people (much do to people dont like talking to me) i get a little hope and get it knocked down
Afext: here's the big turning point,after my headache and general hatred of one teacher everyone loves...
Afext: i saw this girl 1st period, nerdy, lonely looking, but you know.. there was the beauty there that you could see if you took off her glasses... looked new to to the school
Afext: and i think, heeyy, i could have a chance with her and we'd have shit in common
Afext: i see her at lunch and she walks by alone and I decide maybe I can talk to her, i start to follow her and stop, she was wearing some tight jeans and had an ass I could bounce a quarter off of
Afext: yummy, basicly.
Afext: but I stop and turn back
Afext: and then later decide maybe to find her because I've realized me and my friends now have NOTHING in common
Afext: three being lesser-than-potheads and the other three talking about playing guitar and shit I dont give a shit about
Afext: soo i take off
Afext: and I decide to go to the drama room and spot mrs eiden and she's talking to the girl! so I sit down behind the girl saying 'm bored and tired
Afext: and then I get to leanr the girl is a junior.
Afext: and she's commuting from where she lives WITH HER BOYFRIEND IN RIVERSIDE
FentanylicOxide: shit
Afext: ...seems liek ehr and her boyfriend have been buddy buddy for, er, uh, quite some time now. to where they're living together... it sounded like she's been living with his family for quite some time
Afext: so I was pretty defeated
Afext: I tried not to grimace when she said it but I think Eiden saw it on my face
FentanylicOxide: don't take it too hard, man...Sarah (yeah, it's with an H...SarA just seems so natural, though) is a senior this year and has a boyfriend
Afext: Ouch
FentanylicOxide: and, damn...i can guarantee you'd jizz your pants if you saw her today
Afext: I cant help but take it hard when Paula, she who I realize I am so in love with only when I see her in person, wont even talk to me
FentanylicOxide: fuck...i even looked over at her, formore than a few seconds, (out of surprise, you know) she kinda gave me this "what? fuck you, little kid" look
FentanylicOxide: she won't?
Afext: Paula spent her day ignoring me completely, Amanda talked to me a bit and said "Yeah... i'm..uhm..sorry about all that but theres someone out there foreve--" I cut her off, "actually, no, there isn't"
FentanylicOxide: hrmm
Afext: school makes me realize how alone I really am
FentanylicOxide: hrm...
FentanylicOxide: i don't know, dude
Afext: all i know
FentanylicOxide: you sound like me in eighth grade, kinda
Afext: the further away I stay from it, the better i feel
FentanylicOxide: and the former half of ninth, really...
FentanylicOxide: yeah, i know what you mean
Afext: online i am a God. in real life I am a peon
FentanylicOxide: that's exactly how i was in eighth grade, all my friends were on the internet except for Lee (who was kind of a jackass to me that year) and Barrett
FentanylicOxide: and i could have stayed that way in ninth, what with the whole new-school-thing
Afext: i knew, i knew... when i went to get my picture taken i didnt hold the confidence i held immediately when i was with geoff or something, when I was online inside talking to sara on the phone or something... i immediately, by being around people, was drained of all good feeling about myself that i had... the crowds kill me
Afext: and then, i go to school and it's immediately horrible
Afext: it's 10x worse, it's just like god wants me to feel like shit around people
Afext: and how fucking alone i was, you can't get more alone
Afext: specially being ignored by the very people who days ago loved you, someone you find you desire so much... ugh
FentanylicOxide: yep...i know it, man...you sound exactly like my stepbro, except he just plays PC games 24/7...his only friend is his fucking sister, and it's all his fault
FentanylicOxide: see, he's just socially inept
Afext: i cant fucking cope with that when online i am loved and everyone is down with me and i am just... fine. everything is alright online. someone makes me anrgy? bleh, who cares, someone else will love me in turn... it's the healthiest enviroment ever. you dont grow emotionally attachted to people you can see.
FentanylicOxide: er...can't, right?
Afext: hm?
Afext: dont/cant?
FentanylicOxide: it's the healthiest enviroment ever. you dont grow emotionally attachted to people you can see.
Afext: oh yes can't
FentanylicOxide: "can", i just wasn't getting what you were saying there
FentanylicOxide: yeah, i know what you mean
FentanylicOxide: it's all confidence, man...i don't know how, but i really grew in that area this summer
FentanylicOxide: i mean, i'm not 100%-a-people-person
FentanylicOxide: but i'm just there, and i can deal with things way better that i used to
Afext: i stumble out into reality and i grow emotionally attached to everyone. everyone's opinion matters and everyones opinion is down. people look at me with disgust, people who dont even know me wont even fucking give me a chance because i am not some fucking shaved head mexican fucker... dude, over in like, europe, i am the norm.. here i am a fucking alien. i am David Bowie in the man who fell to earth... i look so strange to everyone, but in reality I am just a normal joe from another place
Afext: i do not belong here, at all, in the least, i dont belong around these people.. these people dont belong around me
Afext: i think, these people i delt with today don't think, they're a bunch of fucking brainwashed sheep that hate me because i'm different
FentanylicOxide: ah...yeah, i guess whittier's environment must be pretty different
FentanylicOxide: shit, man...move here, it
Afext: the geeks hate me, the lowest of the low, can hate me... thats how bad it is.
FentanylicOxide: ack
FentanylicOxide: it's not like that at all, really
Afext: and the geeks hate me because they're mexican too and god knows all the mexicans here love to fuck with the little white kid
FentanylicOxide: fuck, here even people talk to my stepbrother, and he looks like a fucking retard
FentanylicOxide: shit, it's that bad?
Afext: i am the smallest miniority here. a non-rich non-skater white kid
FentanylicOxide: how many other white kids are therE?
Afext: Compared to the entire school? I couldnt guess a good number without feeling wrong but... the white minority isn't that small... maybe like... 20-30%
Afext: but, it's not like all the white kids get picked on
FentanylicOxide: aah
FentanylicOxide: what about the others, then?
Afext: because most of the white kids are, say, slutty girls, or stoner skaters who are popular in their own group
Afext: so... you've got...
Afext: 80% mexicans who, yes, pick the shit out of me... 18% white kids who, yes, pick the shit out of me...
Afext: and then the other 2%? They pay no attention to me, and if they do they filter into the other percentages
Afext: Actually 1% of that 2% filters in when they pay attention... the other 1% are people are are actually cool with me but pick on me to a lesser extent
Afext: like all of drama, Robert, a supposed friend... continually picked on me, poking me, pulling out my hair, because he had nothing better to do
Afext: and then the only friends who will actually accept me to hang out with me... i dont have anything in common with me anymore so all I can do is go off and be alone... so why bother going to school at all?
FentanylicOxide: fuck, man...that sounds exactly like my eighth grade year
FentanylicOxide: well, the earlier half
FentanylicOxide: i found some friends the second half, and didn't have too bad of a time
FentanylicOxide: but, still...yeah, i can see why you don't like school
Afext: it's always been like this, but now I know there's better and I want that better... I should not, will not, be forced to deal with situations that I dont actually have to deal with
Afext: i dont want to come home every day feeling like I want to kill myself
Afext: because god knows the past three months I didn't feel this way
FentanylicOxide: yeah...my summer wasn't good at all, except for realizing what i cool mom i have and thinking a lot about what life really was
Afext: i am healthy as long as i stay away from the masses... i loved life over summer, and i come back and hate it because i have to deal with people who hate me for no reason other than my differences. anyway
Afext: i'm going to go lay down i am very tired now and my head hurts like a bitch
Afext: later man.
FentanylicOxide: later