Afext: shannon is being a hardcore bitch to me. course, i'm less than happy right now anyway. grr. Allis8: I heard you 2 broke up anyway. Afext: what? from who? Afext: We did break up. Well she dumped me while I slept a while back but we hooked back up and here we are unhappily ever after Allis8: uhh thats too bad. Afext: hrm Afext: just talk to me, i reallt would like to talk to someone right now Afext: i've had a really bad day. Allis8: *sighs softly* {sits down next to you... } Afext: hmpf you sound so caring Allis8: Lifes kinda fustrating sometimes. Allis8: You'd be surprised... Afext: it's just computer shit, i wont bother relaying to you... just shit doesnt work and i dont know anymore how it's gonna work and no one is of any help Allis8: Anyway. My little brother surprised me other day. I love his outlook on life sometimes. Hes 13, not that young. Afext: and i'm totally alone in this, and if it doesnt get fixed i should just kill myself because i'm fucked Afext: hmm Afext: bro? Afext: what'd he surprise you with? Allis8: I was talking to him about this girl I talk to online, that he knows at school in real life. I said I wanted to meet her, he said he doesnt care, he doesnt hang out with her anymore. Allis8: I said 'Oh really? why not? who do you hang out with?' Allis8: He said the 'Happy People Group' Allis8: I said 'What if you arent happy?' 'then I hang out witht he Happy Happy Group' Afext: uh Afext: hrm Allis8: He said he doesnt understand why people arent happy. I dont understand it too. Im not happy a lot of the time, but I dont understand why. I should be, and everyone should be. And I guess I know my brother realized this. Afext: i'm kind of scared Afext: i know always why i'm not happy. usually Allis8: Yes, but all the reasons you have - are they really reasons? Like tell me one reason. Afext: my shit is broke Afext: my life is over Afext: my mom is going to kill me Allis8: Your life isnt over... Allis8: Material items mean nothing. Your mom wont kill you... Allis8: Those arent simple ones. ;P Afext: no Allis8: Im soooo unmaterialisitc btw. And I think Vincent is too. I mean he spends all his money on his bike but thats because he loves biking. He wouldnt spend money on a nice car, because theres no point other then 'status' and that materialistic' Afext: my mom will kill me if i cant get her email to work Afext: i'd spend money on a nice car because, ya know, a shitty one would suck Allis8: So get her email to work. Afext: i cant Afext: i've been working all day Afext: nothing will work Afext: i've asked for help from everyone Allis8: I have a Geo Metro. Its not nice or expensive but I love it because it works and its fuel efficiant Afext: it has to do with the network and shit Allis8: and I dont see why I'd pay more for one that *looks* nicer. Afext: i'd pay a shitload of money for a vapor beetle right now. Afext: but alas, i am a kid. can't drive yet. Allis8: y e a h well... Materialistic people usually have a harder time being happy btw. Allis8: oh really? I have a drivers test in 2 weeks. Im going to fail because Im too nervous. Afext: i dont feel so materialistic anymore, i think. Afext: i wont tell you why Afext: because i know you wont approve Allis8: well anyway I was pretty upset tonight..fustrated w/ life..etc.. Afext: and i dont want your opinion to lower of me Allis8: then some guy kissed me ..online..and It went away.. Afext: an online kiss can make your troubles go away? i sure as hell could use that right now. gah Allis8: Well. It did. Most of my troubles. Afext: my rents will go to bed soon, and sure as hell a lot of my troubles will go away... i wont have to worry abouyt my rents asking about my progress on fixing it anymore... Afext: you're lucky Afext: i wish i could fix things that easily Afext: well Afext: i can Afext: but still Allis8: Its not that the things were fixed Afext: not that same way Afext: well Afext: i know Allis8: its just that I stopped worrying Afext: i'm just saying Afext: yes Afext: thats what i mean Afext: fixed-stopped Allis8: I guess theres not a real point in stressing out of things..worrying..etc. Afext: there is Afext: it shapes who you are Allis8: To a point. Afext: if i didnt worry about what people thought three years ago Allis8: I mean if you didnt worry, you wouldnt care, you wouldnt do things. Afext: i wouldnt be me, now.. i wouldnt be here now Allis8: oh Allis8: You should never worry about what people think Afext: blah Afext: shush Afext: dont start that Allis8: But you should care about your appeerance Allis8: Because if you dont, why should anyone else? And you always want people to like you Afext: sometimes it's better to look scroungy. it's a lot easier to be alone then Afext: only when you want to though Afext: sometimes, you cant get people to leave you alone Afext: ... Afext: hmr Allis8: Especially when they're jelous Afext: this is like... old talk... how i used to talk Afext: stringent thoughts and ideas Allis8: I fucking hate jelous people... Afext: jealous people suck. yes. i suppose. Allis8: My only real problems in life are Afext: *tries to figure out if that was a stealth guided missile towards him* Allis8: A) 1 jelous person, who is insistant on making my life hell for no apparent reasons - other then being jelous - which she even admitted...grr.. Allis8: B) Worrying about losing Kevin ;-) Allis8: and C) uh..life?? The same thing anyone else would worry about... Afext: *yawns* Afext: i suppose i should go now Allis8: Good night. Afext: yeah. Afext: night... Afext: shit sucks, i hate this... i wish it'd all go away. it'd be nice if everything would just lay off... i'm sick of burdens Allis8: *goes back to sitting quietly...* Afext: i'm failing everything right now... in school. i'm doing fine finacially... i just got semi-hired by ccslide.com for art and advertising shit Afext: they're paying me for some shitty banners i throw together, like, really good money too, but not too good Afext: but Afext: i'm failing in school Afext: left-right fail Afext: and that seems to be all that matters Afext: the guy who runs disobey.com... he's famous almost, his site is amazing and he's got a good career a head of him Afext: he dropped out of highschool pretty quickly Afext: i dont understand Afext: why i get fucked with because i'm failing Afext: who the fuck cares Allis8: Schools important, but not life dependantly important. 99% of people it is. But there are a lot of successful people who do great in life, without doing good in school. You just have to be smart. And know what you're doing. Typically, people who dont do good in school arent smart. Afext: it's hard to learn when the teachers have it in for you Allis8: Or they never got a good enough education to become smart. Afext: especially the german communist bitch Afext: i want her dead Allis8: But there are smart people - and you can always be successful in something - without doing great in school... so dont trip. Afext: if it comes down to it, if i'm gonna seriously kill myself, i'm taking her with me, no matter what Afext: it'd be selfish to leave my friends with her... she'll turn them all into brainwashed commies Afext: I'm not tripping! Afext: I don't give ::a shit:: Afext: everyone else dose Afext: does Allis8: Dont worry about what everyone else things Allis8: thinks... Afext: my rents are fucking with me, my dad specially... and i'm gonna have to go to summerschool and shit Allis8: Just as long as you make your life happy. Afext: it's hard not to when people push you around Allis8: ouch Allis8: summerschools gotta suck ;-) Afext: yeah yeah Afext: *sigh* Afext: this sucks Afext: so hard Afext: i havent felt this miserable in a long time Allis8: *kisses your cheek* Allis8: I hope things get better. Afext: *smiles* yeah i do to. but they probably wont for a few days Allis8: Well you can live threw a few days. ;-) Afext: *sigh* Afext: yeah yeah Afext: hrm Afext: fuck Afext: i want to tell you... and I don't know why. I know you wont approve, atleast I dont think you will Afext: I've never discussed the topic with you Afext: methinks Afext: and considdering you're unmaterialistic, hmm Allis8: *slips her hand threw your hair, brushing it back, looking at you quietly* Allis8: Yes?? Afext: *melts* Afext: nah Afext: maybe i wont tell you Afext: i dont want to risk it Allis8: Tell me please. Afext: now i'm making it into a big deal Allis8: Well its not, so tell me.. ;-) Afext: no, trust me Allis8: My hands are freezing... Afext: I almost did, i typed the entire sentance out just now and it sounds bad Allis8: Tell me, please? Afext: *takes your hands in his and holds them gently* better? Afext: cold hands are bad, ya know... *changing subject* Afext: is it cold up there? *grins* Allis8: That is better, thanks. Allis8: Its not that cold here, I am in a t shirt still. I should go get a jacket. Afext: it's alright here, not cold just yet... better than it being hot though Allis8: Yeah. I prefer being cold. Afext: so do i... Afext: sucks... i can't just ask you for your opinion on something now, cos you'd know Allis8: Just ask me, please? Afext: i wish i knew a little bit about what you thought about it. Allis8: I accept a lot of things easily, and I dont judge people. Afext: alright. i'm pretty much a semi-hardcore-pothead. limited only by the fact that i am low on money... Afext: there you go Afext: and that would have *really* helped me today Afext: damnit, i need to relaz Afext: relax Allis8: hm.. Afext: actually, i've never met anyone except older people who go "pot? you're stupid, I dont like you as much anymore" Afext: so, eh. Afext: older asin, 30+ Allis8: Well.. Afext: hrm. Afext: i just. dont know Allis8: Well yeah. I dont think drugs are cool or whatever. Afext: i guess it's better to be truthful in case than hide it Afext: or visaversa Afext: well Afext: believe me Allis8: Not that Im a preppy..theres a lot of reasons. Afext: i dont do it cos its cool Afext: cos most of my friends dont dig it or think it's cool Allis8: yeah,but to relax? I dont think thats a good answer either. Afext: and I *hate* cool preppy skater people who do cos it's "cool" Afext: I do it because it gets my mind of my problems for a bit Afext: because I can lay in bed and listen to my music Afext: and feel good about everything for a while Allis8: *shrugs* I guess I know better ways. Afext: my worries kind of go away for a bit, ya know... Afext: i dont have any other ways Afext: i can't get my mind off of stuff Allis8: You take life to seriously. Allis8: even in the complicated mindset you always seem to have. Afext: i know Afext: god, i know Allis8: I've always taken life too serious. Worried too much. Cried too much. I still do, most of the time. But I try not to, and thats what calms me down. Mostly. I have a few other things... ' Allis8: But I dont really feel like sharing... Afext: i never cry. i wish i could Afext: i try sometimes Afext: but i cant bring myself to cry Allis8: Crying doesnt help. Afext: even in the most dire situations Afext: it does for me Allis8: Its just natural for me. Afext: when i can Afext: it's refreshing for me Afext: the first, and last time, i cried was the second time i saw six sense.. i am such a hopeless sappy romantic, i thought i saved myself from crying but suddenly i lost it... Afext: i felt so good after that, i felt refreshed Afext: i've never cried harder in my life for a better reason... course i've only cried like, 3 times in my life Afext: sometimes, when i wake up, and lay in bed... tears involentarily come out of my eyes... usually just a single tear out of my left eye... it's really strange Allis8: *shrugs a little*.. Allis8: So you still think the same, I can tell..and you're still as cute as ever..;-) well its nice talking to you again... Afext: thanks Afext: i guess, lol Afext: atleast we're not at eachothers throats like sometimes. anyway, uhm.,. hm Afext: you ever check out the new eb.com at all? god knows no one i really care about does, at all... it really makes me sad Afext: i hate to bring up shan, or past g/fs, but shan doesnt give a shit... she doesnt visit eb.. she's not impressed with my work... she doesnt care at all, i dont think she cares about me beyond my looks, which is all she talks about... sara cared. sara loved eb, she loved my work, she was interested in the same stuff... but sara is long gone, i lost her to the world... something i wish i could do... Afext: i hate to talk about this Afext: at all Afext: because people always take it the wrong way Allis8: Its okay. Afext: i talked to shan about it Afext: as nice as i could Allis8: I understand that. Afext: and i todl her she'll take it the wrong way Afext: and she insisted she wouldnt Afext: so i explained about how she doesnt seem to care for my work at all, and i miss that feeling, of the person i love not appreciating my work at all, stuff i love and pour my heart into meaning nothing to the person i love Afext: and she went off on a tangent about her not being like sara and how i must be so disappointed and blah blah Afext: she likes to pick fights. she always has. but i dont fight with her anymore Afext: i'm sick of fighting Afext: sara showed me that a healthy fight-free relationship can be... i thank her for it Allis8: Sick of fighting. Heh. Me too. with everyone. I think thats why I stopped worrying and being upset. Because I was sick of fighting. Allis8: It gets old. Allis8: Why did you leave Sara? Allis8: She was nice. Afext: it was a mistake. i shouldnt have brought it up Afext: she wasnt on that much Afext: less than shan is now Allis8: Oh. Afext: and we didnt talk on the phone (about as often as we do now) Afext: and i brought it up Afext: and bout how i didnt feel like i missed her quite as much as i used to Afext: well Afext: not quite like that Afext: it was like Afext: i didnt mind her not being on Afext: i wasnt getting heartsick over not talking to her Afext: and she said she kind of felt the same way Afext: and us, we never spoke really outloud about our relationship Afext: we never went "should we be together?" Afext: it just happened Afext: we just drifted together Allis8: Yeah. Thats how me and Kevin were... Afext: and, with this conversation, we drifted apart rapidly Allis8: until like 5 months later when we jokingly got cyber married. Afext: and we were offically over Afext: and she got the good end of the deal Allis8: Good end? Afext: cyber married... *slight scoff* Afext: yeah Afext: i ended up with nothing Afext: and she got this "amazing" guy in her life now Allis8: You got Vicky. Afext: who is going to brutally rape and murder her, because he has a VERY shady background Afext: vicky = essentially nothing Afext: ... Afext: ouch Afext: that was very low Afext: ... Afext: i only went back to shan because i got sick of feeling like no one was there Allis8: So you just admitted.. you arent happy with Shannon... Afext: which is exactly where i'm back at now Allis8: Dont stay with her..please? for yourself..dont.. Afext: i wouldnt have admitted i wasnt happy when i first said hi Afext: i've admitted it to numerous people over the week Afext: the more i talk about "us" the more I realize "us" is shit Afext: hm. Afext: she's on right now. we havent talked yet, but eh. Allis8: oh. Afext: what's better? something slightly better than nothing or nothing at all? Allis8: Nothing at all. Afext: good answer Afext: well fuck Allis8: Well its the truth. Afext: she just went offline Afext: ... Afext: well better Afext: i guess Afext: i dont want to be hasty Allis8: Alright. Afext: i dont want to go 'i think we should break up' and regret it later Afext: even though i know i wont Allis8: *tilts her head, and kisses your neck lightly* Allis8: You going to go soon? Afext: because i've conversed this on even good days and it always make me and her sound like we should kill eachother Afext: no, i'll be here as long as you are Allis8: Well Im just online until you leave. Afext: i suppose we're here until we decide to leave then Allis8: Alright. Afext: *smiles* Allis8: So what would make you happy right now? Allis8: Hey? Afext: i don't know... i'd kiss you back but i'm not forward like that... but, hm... i've taken to doing this lately, i'm very gentleman like... hehe *smiles and raises one of your hands and kisses it lightly* Allis8: ;-) Afext: i had to think a bit *grins very slightly* Afext: i hate those graphical smiles, gotta turn those off Allis8: Thats okay, I didnt want you to kiss me back... you're always more tempting then most guys are. Afext: i don't know why, though... specially right now Afext: i feel very 'ick' Allis8: Im tired... I dont know if I want to leave or not though.. Afext: nah dont leave Afext: stay on Afext: we're talking nicely, this is good Afext: i'm tired too but i'd rather talk to you Allis8: Well I was hoping Allis8: one of my friends would show up Allis8: But I am assuming they're all staying out till 11:30 Allis8: And do I want to stay up another hour ? Allis8: just to say hi? Allis8: no, because I have to wake up at 7 cause I told Alan I'd volunteer with him somewhere. Afext: *frowns* stay up for me... sheesh... one second you build me up and next you knock me down... Allis8: I am staying up for you babe. Afext: *smiles* wow, it's been a while since someone has called me babe Allis8: mm ya, me too... Allis8: ... Afext: *smiles slightly, again* i don't know what to do Allis8: heh.. ahh fuck..I just want to be loved..why is Kevin too busy for me.. Afext: i wont comment, because i'll sound too harsh, and i dont want to make you hate me right now Allis8: Its not his fault, he got a job..and doesnt have a computer where he is staying, and works basically until bed time w / the other people.. (They're all real cool..) Afext: you dont seem esctaticly happy either Allis8: not now..Im lonely.. ' and that stupid bitch in r/l.. bothers me.. ? Afext: hm Allis8: I just want to curl up..and forget about it.. Afext: dont worry about her Allis8: I try not to..I cant help it..shes always trying to hurt me or something..and seriously too.. she even wrote 'Allison sucks' on the wall at school in green marker.. you cant get any more immature..and shes 17.. Afext: *slides his arm back around your waist and hugs you softly* Afext: hmm Allis8: she wont let me do anything w/ the rest of the group when shes around, because she doesnt like the fact they pay more attention to me..which is BS cause Im shy and everything, and usually quiet.. but Im very nice, so people like me more..its not my fault.. Afext: maybe she's threatened by your pure superiority over her? *grins slightly* Allis8: *wraps her arms around your body, pulling herself closer to you..resting against your body.. her eyes quietly filling with tears..* Afext: don't cry *brushes his hand through your hair slowly* nothing to cry about here. we're perfectly happy people. yeah. Allis8: Its a lot more complicated than you think... Afext: it probably is Afext: but it's alright Afext: maybe things are better when you dont know how complicated they are Allis8: I didnt mean to let myself care. I knew I'd end up getting hurt, 3 weeks ago, when I met Joost. I have other friends, but Joost is Dutch and he knows Alan, so he got me back with Aaron, and then Joost really likes me..and all this other fucked up stuff... and I knew I shouldnt fall for it.. talk to them..care... Afext: hm Allis8: I got bored of going w/ Joost anyway... Afext: maybe you should just give up on other people Allis8: Yes. I should. I really want to. Afext: i've finally realized i cant rely on anyone. especially my friends Afext: you can usually rely on complete strangers though Afext: everyone else... Afext: they're just gonna fuck you around Afext: because they know they can play with you Afext: and spin you around.. Allis8: Im happy. Just being in someones arms. I mean, not anyones arms. In fact, I dont know whos. Allis8: but Im staying here for a while, with you, because it feels nice.. Afext: thanks ;) ... man... i dont know what to do Afext: i really want to do something but nothing sounds right... but i guess that's fine Afext: hey? Allis8: Yeah? Afext: dunno you didnt say anything Afext: i just...hm Afext: im thankful Afext: i know not to make mistakes Allis8: I dont know what to do either. I want to touch you, but I dont know how. I want to be touched, but I dont know how to get you to touch me. Afext: ...god... when you put it that way... i want to... hm... damn. thats all i have to say. Afext: *kisses your neck softly, brushing your hair back* ... there, i had to do that Afext: i was about to die Allis8: *melts into your arms a little more..* Allis8: I dont want to move..I want to stay here with you..until everythings better.. Afext: *smiles at you slightly* i'll second that Afext: dunno if everything gets better on its own though Afext: it's light watching water boil Afext: light-like Allis8: Well... Allis8: *shrugs a little*..still nicer..being with you.. Afext: yeah... *holds you a little closer, a little tighter* so... hmm.. *laughs slightly* i dont know... Allis8: You ever read adbusters ? Magazine? Afext: no.. Allis8: I think you'd like it Afext: why? Allis8: adbusters.org Afext: alright Afext: i like their opening rollover Afext: classic Afext: prozac didnt help me one bit. or maybe it did Allis8: *smiles a little* Afext: cant be sure Afext: hmm Allis8: oh geez..dont let go of me for a while.. please.. Afext: *moves a hand up to your neck slowly, and turns your head towards his, looking into your eyes* i hate to do this, but i feel like i need to right now... *leans forward and kisses you softly, on the lips, just so you can barely feel it* ... i wont Allis8: God..Im totally ..melted inside...and I want to kiss you back..so omuch.. Afext: why dont you? i want you to.. i'm here for you... Allis8: heh.fuck.. I type it out..but I cant cheat on Kevin..? not that this isnt..really..theres..just. .. a limit..as much as I love you..fuck.. Afext: ...i can't comment, i dont want to make a mistake Afext: kevin isnt paying attention to you. just come to your own conclusions, you dont need me... i dont want to speak for you, surely, i've done that before and messed up. Allis8: I could lay you down on the couch right now..and tenderly make love to you..until you forget everything else..and just close your eyes..and think about how good it feels.. heh.. Afext: don't tease me like that, cos i know you can, and you have, so...... do what you want... Allis8: yeah but.. you dont know how much better I could.. and how much I want to.. Afext: then.. why don't you? Afext: or, better, why should you? the reasons you should are always better than the reasony you shouldnt Afext: reasony.. eh. Allis8: Im going to go... Afext: :| you told me not to let you go Afext: ...but, alright, do whatever you feel, i wont be in your way Allis8: You arent supposed to let me go... Allis8: and you're not supposed to let me cheat on Kevin..at the same time..alright?Heh.. Allis8: (see how that doesnt work.. ) Afext: yes, but... Afext: it's not like Afext: ... Afext: i can't speak Afext: i dont want to say something wrong Afext: because right now, i really dont want to mess this up right now Allis8: *slips her hand down against your chest.. smiling softly..* Afext: *lays a hand on top of yours, grasping slightly, looking at you* Afext: hm..? Allis8: *brings her hand up to your mouth, gently touching her fingertips to your lips...* Allis8: God you're beautiful... Afext: *smiles slightly, keeping silent* Allis8: Im going to cry..just because I keep picturing myself kissing your lips..over and over again..and then laying here with you... Allis8: Stop being so tempting..*laughs*.. Afext: i can't help it... you're tempting over me, ten fold... i would give anything right now... but i dont want to push you... Allis8: and you're being sweet...very sweet.. Afext: this is how i am now. i know not to make mistakes and say bad things to people i love... Allis8: God..I cant do this..I love you... Allis8: But I cant do this..at least.. not in one night..why did you msg me?? Allis8: God..heh.. Allis8 signed off at 11:17:29 PM. Allis8 signed on at 11:21:05 PM. Afext: you came back Afext: thank..god Allis8: Heh...missed you... Allis8: Leaving is very hard... Afext: ...that was almost a very very bad end to a very bad day, for me.. Allis8: I shouldnt have come back... Im not going to stay..I felt bad for leaving like that... Afext: why dont you stay? Allis8: ... Afext: *frowns* Afext: i said i wouldnt bager you, so i guess i wont... i'm so tempted to beg for you to stay Afext: but i wont Afext: because i'll keep my word Allis8: What would make today happier...for you.. Allis8: ? Afext: if we picked up from where we left off... i might as well be honest, at this point, because god knows i can (and wouldnt) lie Afext: can-cant Allis8: But I cant do that..and I dont know why..but I cant... Allis8: *tilts her head..tenderly kissing your lips..warmly..* Afext: *kisses you back softly, looking at you quizzically* Afext: we're both in the same situation.... atleast i thought Afext: yours, maybe not quite as bad as mine... but Afext: i wont speak Allis8: Its always more complicated than that.. ;) Allis8: *kisses your lips again quietly..* Allis8: I love you..good night..try not to msg me again .. Afext: allison... Afext: *sighs* Afext: why must it be like this? Allis8: Because we broke up a l ong time ago...it wouldnt work out..you know me..not good with relationships as it is.. '*laughs* Afext: in reality never has a happy ending, i suppose? Allis8: You're beeautiful....fucking gorgous, and I'd love to touch you more..kiss you.. show you how beautiful you are to me.. Allis8: But I cant, and I wont... At least I'll try not to..dont msg me.. Allis8: Good night.. Allis8 signed off at 11:29:30 PM.